You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You deplete me
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
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The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.