*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*