[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
saw this in a dream
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
