[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The three genders
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
