[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
