Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.