Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

A decision was made here.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.