*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
sensitive skin
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago