Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…