“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
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A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!