5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
#parenting
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Incredible customer service.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)