Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”