Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

I’m putting together a team

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.