Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.