5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.