Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

🔥🔥

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Pepper & I getting some sun on the patio when a herd of deer passed by. Biggest herd I’ve seen so far ever. I counted 9. Usually it’s just 3. But you know, today is Sunday maybe family came over.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.