5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
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If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me checking my bank balance online.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded