Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”