5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You Might Also Like
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m hunting wabbits…
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
FRED: right
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.