5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You Might Also Like
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.