Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!