5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
The Punning Dead.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
weddings should have a worst man
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.