Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day