@ThaJawn

5: There’s a monster under my bed…

I wouldn’t be scared of monsters, I saw a video of snakes hunting in packs *kisses forehead* goodnight

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@truegritrumble

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

@NECROMANClNG

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@sofarrsogud

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

@WheelTod

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

@FunnyBison

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.