Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Hank is one in a melon.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?