Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live