Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao