Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.