5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.