5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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Beards are a privilege, not a right
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love