@MissHavisham

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

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@Parker_Simpson

When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

@thenatewolf

I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

@fro_vo

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

@RowdyBowden

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War