When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“YOLO” giggled the 53rd incarnation of Buddha
if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die
I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War