5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.