5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Ghost costume 😂
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Finally, an explanation.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*