5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Fun Things
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers