5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok