Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day