5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.