Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free