5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email