Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

lol

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.