Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Mistakes were made

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.