Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Nice try, NASA

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.