5 ways to appear taller
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“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.