Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Couple goals

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.