5 ways to appear taller
You Might Also Like
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
