5 ways to appear taller
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.