It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Best spoiler warning ever
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
just left a huge legacy in there
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”