Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.