Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time