5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
sigh
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.