Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there