Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.