Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

No.