Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??