Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the one

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,