Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

this will hang in the louvre one day

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.