Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO