5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.