5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
