5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
