5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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