5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
