Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Me, reading some of your tweets

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty