5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
early stone age tool
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*