Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

“our sushi is very fresh”

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.