Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I snag the last meatball.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

😂😂

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

The photographer’s assistant

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Autocarrot sucks!

Twitter is the new flypaper.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.