Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Seems legit.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

barbara was highly relatable

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone