Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.