Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Just grow your own

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.