Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

What’s a Messi?

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.