5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it