Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Barbie gone wild

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.