Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

every. time.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”