5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.