Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

then why did i get this email

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean