Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.