Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

What a kind woman! 😂😂

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”