Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.